What have I done?

December 18, 2011

I'm only 21 years old and I feel as though I have done nothing with my life. Yes, I graduated high school at 17, have been involved in a variety of different ministries, traveled to 9 countries, and am finishing up my 4 years of college on May 4th. I have experienced so much and have been blessed with more than I could account for. Still, there is something that arises inside of me that overwhelms me with the thought that I have done so little for the Lord. Don't get me wrong, I have seen the Lord at work in and through me. I have witnessed miracles of healing and deliverance before my eyes. I have seen the power of the Lord fall in services in incredible ways. I have handed out food and other necessities as well as teaching Bible and English to children in the villages of Cambodia. 

What I feel is very hard to describe. When I returned home from my 10 week adventure in Cambodia, I struggled...a lot (as you can read in my previous blog posts.) As the weeks passed, it became easier. I was no longer staying in my room, constantly looking at pictures and wishing I was with the people I had come to love so much. I never thought I would acclimate back to life in America, but I did. [I hate that!] I think I got carried away in the past 5 months and have gotten entirely too comfortable. I've been shopping (like my old shopaholic self) and spending entirely too much on eating out (mostly because I detest cooking for myself in order to only have to clean it all up afterwards.) It seems ridiculous and so simple, but I feel like it has separated me from the Lord in a sense. Trust me, I know there is nothing wrong with shopping and eating out...but I feel like I have been irresponsible in it this semester. As I was lying in bed 3 nights ago, I heard the still, small voice of the Lord tell me that I have been repressing my feelings. I have filled a void with other things- the things that once were a major part of who I was here in this wealthy country. I have gotten too carried away with the comforts of life here.

I do not think it was by chance that I am currently reading Kisses From Katie, a book written by a girl just a year older than I am. Katie Davis, the author, decided that after graduation, she wanted to go to Uganda for a year. Throughout her time there, she quickly learned that it was the Lord's will for her to start an NGO and to possibly stay there long term. In this process, she was faced with the opportunity to find a home for 3 orphaned sisters. It turned out that God would make a way for Katie, this 19 year old, to adopt these girls-- and several more-- until now, she is the mother of 14. Did I mention that she is only ONE year older than I am!? Yeah, I've got nothin' on this girl.

I'm still in the first half of the book and all I have been able to think about since I started it was Mongolia. Since March 2010, I have known that somehow I would be connected to this far away country. Ever since I received this specific call from the Lord, I have learned that there are many orphans who are living on the streets-- or rather, under the streets because it is so bitterly cold that they go underground to warm themselves by the hot water pipes. These dirt tunnels underground are filled with trash and rodents. When I first heard this, I immediately thought that maybe the Lord could use me to rescue some of these kids and give them a home.

In reading this book and the story of this young girl doing something so great, it has brought back all of the things that I have researched and pondered on in the past 2 1/2 years. Reading Katie's story makes me realize that it is actually possible for ME, a average girl from Tennessee, to step out and do something so simple, yet great for the Lord. I have no idea how, when, or if this will ever happen, but I'm willing if the Lord so chooses to use me in this. It's just so hard because there are certain things that I am confident the Lord has called me to, but there are still so many missing pieces. 

That leaves me with the title of my blog: Trusting and Waiting. Trusting that He will provide answers and a means to achieve what HE wills. Waiting on His perfect timing. 

Thoughts

http://www.rainbowkids.com/ArticleDetails.aspx?id=472

I came across an article with the story of a woman who sought to do what seemed almost impossible. There's nothing crazy that stands out in this story, except the work of the Lord. I found this as I was searching about how people have started orphanages. There are two things I am certain of: First is that I know for a fact the Lord has called me into full-time ministry. I know bits and pieces of what that entails, but of course, He hasn't told me everything. The second is that I love kids and can't see my life going in any direction that doesn't involve them in some way.

Since the Lord placed missions on my heart almost 2 years ago, I had no idea what He had in mind. Soon after He called me, I began to think about the possibility of starting an orphanage someday. I've thought about it many times since. I especially thought about it this summer since we practically lived at the children's home. I started thinking about it tonight and I realize that the more I think about it, the more I feel drawn to it.

My heart is to see broken, unloved, fatherless children find a home full of love and acceptance. While I have not experienced anything near to what some children have, I still feel as though I could somehow relate to them. My mother was incredible and I am so thankful for her determination to raise me for the Lord. I was very blessed to grow up in the home that I did...but it has just been the two of us since I was 20 months old. I have struggled with insecurity and fear of rejection for much of my life. I believe the Lord set me free from this insecurity several years ago, but it is still something that I understand because I felt that for so long. I am certain that the Lord gave me the life I have because He wants me to use it to impact others' lives. Why would He give me this life if not to use it as a testimony of His goodness and an opportunity to love those who have experienced similar things? It's funny because I used to always think that I did not have a "real" testimony because I had never done horrible things in my life. I was informed that my testimony was that the Lord kept me. This is so very true...but I believe that the circumstances in my life--my dad leaving, rejection from friends, etc.-- are all a part of my testimony. The things I learned through all of these trials cannot be replaced!

With all of this said, I believe starting an orphanage (or something like that) is a very likely possibility in my life. I think about some of the children in Mongolia who do not have parents and who are homeless- living underground to stay warm. That is where the Lord called me in March 2010. What if He would have me rescue some of those kids and give them a loving home? I don't know. I never know what the Lord has up His sleeve. He always surprises me (usually with very unexpected things), so who knows! These are just my thoughts tonight. They're thoughts coming from a very tired girl on Thanksgiving. :)

With that said.........I am thankful for the call of God on my life. I am thankful for the life and the testimony He has given me. And I am thankful for His promises.

I am His.

"I am my Beloved's and His desire is for me." -Song of Solomon 7:10

I belong to the Lord and He desires me. He desires my trust, intimacy, and complete reliance on Him. He desires for me to come close to Him and truly act as though I am His. God desires for me to love Him wholeheartedly without placing other things before Him. I've found that I am unable to really say, "I am my Beloved's and He is mine" because I haven't kept Him first in my life lately. In a sense, I have neglected my first love (Revelation 2.) To say that He is mine would imply that He belongs to me and that I have placed Him before all other things.

In saying that He has not been first in my life, I do not mean that I have rebelled against Him in any way. There has just been so much going on. This semester has been one of the most difficult thus far. I've been so busy that I have neglected to keep Him before everything else. It is so easy to allow all of the cares of life to get in the way of our relationship with God. Sometimes, I believe, we can get so bogged down with all other obligations in life that we neglect the most important thing. This happens so subtly that we sometimes do not even realize it is happening. My desire is not to drift away from the Lord and my devotion to Him. My desire is to move further TOWARDS Him, but it's difficult and it requires a lot...however, it is the most important thing.

So, in the midst of the chaos in my life-- the stress of school (which is absolutely overwhelming,) the crazy amount of time spent at work, and my busyness in other things (church, social life, etc.)-- I MUST make sure that I am allowing the Lord to be sovereign in my life. He desires me, so why would I ever deny Him? He longs for us to be with Him- to trust Him- to love Him- and to make Him our very own. He desires that sweet covenant relationship with Him. We were translating Genesis 2:24 in Hebrew class today and my professor talked about the Hebrew word for "cleave" as it is used in this passage. He said that this is complete covenantal language. Here, man was said to leave his parents and to cleave or cling to his wife in order that they might become one flesh. In order to truly experience that Berith Covenantal relationship with the Lord, we must cleave to Him. [Cleave: cling to, adhere to, to remain faithful to, etc.] This act will then prove that not only am I His, but He is mine.

A time for everything.

Ecclesiastes 3:1,7b "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven...a time to keep silence, and a time to speak."
There is a time to speak, but there is also a time to keep our mouths shut. Speaking prematurely not only affects the one doing the speaking, it also affects others around them, particularly those to whom they speak.


Proverbs 17:28 says, "Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent."
There is such a thing as speaking prematurely. I've seen people (myself included) speak too early about things the Lord has revealed to them. This can can misdirect people from the Lord's purposes. Sometimes the Lord wants us to keep things to ourselves for a while until it is the right time to share what He has told us. How do we know if something is the "right time"? We seek God and determine whether He would have us keep it to ourselves for now or share it with others. This does not mean that what we have to say is bad, but there is a specific time for it to be spoken. Sometimes we just need to wait until it is the appropriate time. 


Proverbs 18:4 "The words of a man's mouth are deep waters; the fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brooke." 
Matthew Henry states in his commentary: "The well-spring of wisdom is as deep waters. An intelligent knowing man has in him a good treasure of useful things, which furnishes him with something to say upon all occasions that is pertinent and profitable. This is as deep waters, which make no noise, but never run dry."


Deuteronomy 18:20-22 
Even if God gives us words of wisdom, we need to discern whether His purpose was for our ears alone, or for someone else to know (now or in the future.) 

contentment.

"The key to contentment...is actually to know who you are in Christ and to trust God with every aspect of your life, future, and ministry." [Christine Cain]

I needed to hear this today. I think we all do. Especially for those of us who are in college and are unsure about what the next step will be. So many times I find myself planning everything in my life, hoping that all of these wonderful ideas will be fulfilled immediately. This is so far from how God works. When has He ever told us to have free reign and to plan out all the details of our lives? Never. And yet we continue to make our little plans, as if they will all become a reality. I believe that the Lord places passions and desires on our hearts for a reason. Many times, He will put burdens on our hearts so that we will desire the things that He has called us to do. I know that He has done that in my life. There are things I would have never imagined I'd ever enjoy doing, but the Lord gave me these passions and I know that He will provide a way for them to be accomplished...in HIS time.

That's the key to all of this. It's all about timing. His time never seems to be the timeframe I had in mind. Many times He wants us to wait. I know I always want to rush things in my life, but the Lord has had to remind me multiple times to just.............wait. Isaiah 40:13 says, "but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint" (ESV.) 


While in the waiting season, He wants us to be content. Christine Caine makes this clear in her statement. Once we finally become content with where we are and who we are in Christ, it shows that we trust Him with all of the details. Why would He tell us "I know the plans I have for you..." if He didn't mean it? He has every detail planned out and He knows what we need, even more than we ourselves do. We just have to let go, surrender to Him, trust that He will do what He says He will, and find out what our identity is in Him. 

Come Burn In Me

This morning, I woke up to find our street filled with fire trucks and police cars. Come to find out, our neighbors' house was on fire. The foundation of the house is still intact, but mostly everything in the house is gone. The firemen spent hours putting the fire out. I was unable to leave the neighborhood, so I stayed home until later in the afternoon. When I finally headed up to Cleveland, God began to speak to me about the events earlier. There are several things I have been praying and seeking the Lord about lately (direction, answers to specific questions, the next step after graduation, etc.) I was praying, once again, about all of these things on my drive. Then, all of the sudden, it hit me... Like the house fire that I witnessed today, the Lord is burning things on the inside of me. The foundation will not be shaken-- who I am will not be altered or affected-- but there are things He wants to consume and get rid of. In order for me to receive new things, there are some old things that need to be taken care of. 

This made so much sense to me! There are areas of my life that I feel are in flames. This semester, for example, there are many things that are different: 

1. I've only been back from Cambodia since July 18th, so I'm still having to adjust to things here. Sometimes I just break down because I miss Cambodia so much and want to be there more than anything.

2. Several things have come up lately and I am unsure as to whether they are a part of the Lord's will or if they are just things to distract me from His will. 

3. I am no longer in the ministry that forever changed me. Campus Choir was my entire life for 3 years, but the Lord spoke to me and I knew that I was not supposed to return this semester. I am now getting involved in other ministries and have been placed in new situations and surroundings. 

4. School is overwhelming. I have a really bad case of Senioritis and I have no motivation to do any school work. Graduation is May 4, but it seems too far away! 

In saying all of this, I realize that God is doing new things in my life. It's not that God removed bad things from my life; He just changed things. He had to uproot me from all I have known for the past several years in order for Him to do new things in and through me. The word uproot means: "to displace, as from a home or country; tear away, as from customs or a way of life." This is exactly how I have been feeling-- like everything I've known has been stripped from me. Don't get me wrong. Some of the changes have been great and I see the Lord's hand in all of it. It's just hard to adapt to so many new things. 

I started reading In His Face by Bob Sorge last week. It’s an incredible book and is perfect for what I’ve been going through recently. There was one section of the book where he talked about the valley seasons. He said that "between every two mountains is a valley." That's a good statement! Most of the time we think of "going from glory glory" as being on a constant spiritual high. The truth is that there are almost always valley seasons between those. I thought about some of the most awesome times in my life that I have had with God and I can honestly say that before and after each of these times was a low time where I felt dry and empty. Sometimes the Lord has to take us through these times to teach us, strengthen us, or keep us humble. This is where I believe I am right now. 


I was reading my book again tonight and it was crazy how applicable everything was. One line says, "As the fire burns away...we desire to gold of our hearts to become so pure...He is able to see His own reflection in us." As I was reading this section of the book, Kim Walker's Spontaneous Song 4 was playing. This song talks about God being an all consuming fire burning in us. I do not believe that it was by chance that all of this came up tonight. I think God was speaking to me. He's got a purpose in this season of my life. He wants to burn away the things that have kept my attention and He wants me to refocus and fix my gaze on Him. I also believe that He wants to burn away and remove things so He can fill me up through renewal and refreshing. 


It's sometimes painful and lonely to go through these times, but once we get through them, it's incredible how the Lord proves Himself! Sometimes we can't see what He's doing and it seems like He's left us...then BAM. He shows up and reveals all of the things that have taken place behind the scenes. I am so thankful for this reminder today. He is so good. He says, "I will not leave you nor forsake you" (Joshua 1:5.) He's always present...always working on our hearts and in our lives, even when it seems like we're alone and nothing is working out. 


--------------------


Matthew 6:31 "Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while." This is what He is saying to those who are weary. He telling us: "Come away- alone with Me- to rest. I'll speak to you. I'll answer you. You just have to seek Me and trust Me." 

The Unknown

"God makes no mistakes. He does not fall asleep. He does not forget His loved children. He asks us, every day, no matter what circumstances or adversities we find ourselves in, to trust and obey. He has so arranged things that we may not often fathom His sovereign purposes, but now and then He vouchsafes to us a glimpse of what He is up to." 

This paragraph comes from These Strange Ashes by Elisabeth Elliot, once again. I love what she says here!  I have found this statement to be very true. So many times, I want to know EVERY detail of my life. Just recently I found myself caught in between two decisions and I had no idea what I would do. It's so hard because sometimes the Lord makes us wait for what seems like an eternity before He answers. When He does, it is amazing how perfect the timing is.

I guess you could say I have been in a place of feeling like I don't have any idea whatsoever as to what He is up to. There are so many questions that I have about my life and future and I'm not getting answers. I have to constantly remind myself of Isaiah 55:8-9 which says that His ways are higher than mine! I know that, but it doesn't always stop my mind from wondering what is to come. Because I am such a detail oriented person, it is hard for me to completely trust that all things will come together in the right time...not MY time, but HIS. I know that  His purpose is to teach me to trust Him. I go through times where I really feel like I'm finally getting the hang of trusting Him...until something else comes up which requires an even greater amount of trust.

Now, I'm about to start my 7th semester of college.  In May, I'll finally have the diploma in my hand. I cannot wait for that day. As much as I look forward to graduating, I can't help but wonder what will come next. I am still planning to try to return to Cambodia next summer for several months (as many as I can afford.) So there's the question of raising money, finding someone to go with me, and the fear of things happening this year that will change my plans. Then, there's the whole "ring before spring" deal. Everyone seems to either be getting married, engaged, or at least in a relationship...except me (and a few others haha.) Obviously, I've been worrying about a lot lately!

With all of these questions and concerns on my mind right now, I read the words of this awesome woman and find them to be such an encouragement! The Lord knows my heart. He knows about all of my worries. And HE IS IN CONTROL! Elliot also said that "we should not be surprised at the mysterious ways in which our loving Father works all things together for good." Of course He's not going to do everything the way I have it planned. If I knew everything He was planning, life wouldn't be an adventure...and oh, it is quite the adventure!

I just have to trust and wait on the Lord. Hence, the title of this blog: trusting and waiting.

Gideon

I have spent this morning in the Word and in prayer. For the past month, I have been asking the Lord to give me direction regarding certain things for this next semester. There is a song that describes exactly how I feel: "I don't know what to do, but my eyes are on you...I lift my eyes toward the heavens, I tune my ear to your command, help me boast in my condition, you're the God and I'm the man." As I was praying and listening to this song, I felt like the Lord wanted me to read about Gideon.

[Summary of the story in Judges 6: Israel was disobedient to the Lord and began living in sin and rebellion. Because of this, God allowed the Midianites to oppress Israel to the point of taking all that they had. He then raised up a prophet who convinces the people of their sin. The Israelites then began to cry out to God for forgiveness. Following this, the Lord called Gideon, a man who was from a weak clan and was the least of his siblings. Despite these things, he was obedient after he made sure that it was the Lord talking to him. Gideon was protected as he did what the Lord told him. Then Gideon tested God by putting out a fleece twice to be sure that he was hearing from Him.]

Okay. So we have Israel who has disobeyed God (once more) and is being punished because of their sin and rebellion. God allowed the Midianites to attack them. Because God raised up a prophet, they are finally made aware that they are facing these things because of the decisions that they made to go against God's commands and they ask God to have mercy. He then raises up a man who doesn't have a high social status, or the qualifications that one would think would be necessary in doing the work of the Lord...but he was obedient to the call. I love that Gideon was so adamant about being sure that it was God's voice that he was hearing. [It sounds like me. I always have to ask God to confirm His word a million times before I act on it.] Now, we have a man who was called out by God to do something great: to change a nation! First, he was told to tear down the altars to Baal and to instead, "build an altar to the Lord your God on the top of the stronghold here" (vs. 26.) God blessed his servant with peace and it says that "the Spirit of the Lord clothed Gideon" (vs. 34.) Gideon, again, wanted to make sure he was dealing with the Lord God, so he put out a fleece and asked Him to make only the fleece wet with dew. It was done. Next, he put out another fleece asking for this one to be dry and the ground to be wet. It was also done.

This story isn't very hard to understand. Because of a nation's sin, God took things away from them. They were faced with consequences for their actions. Sometimes people get into the notion that God is only a God of grace. While it is true that He is a merciful, gracious God, we have to understand that there is judgement for our sin. If the Lord did not provide consequences to our actions that displease Him, I feel that the Bible would be a completely different book. We are called to live lives of holiness, through repentance, which requires turning away from our sin. It is changing our actions in order to be more like Christ. I feel like Christianity today has come so far away from this. Everyone always talks about God's grace and forgiveness rather than repenting and getting our lives right!

Commentator Matthew Henry says that "sin dispirits men, and makes them sneak into dens and caves."In other words, sin keeps us from fulfilling the call of God and causes us to go into places of darkness and despair. This is what happened to Israel. Their sin led them into hiding from the enemy. Until they realized their wrong and sought to turn from it, they did not have freedom. Repentance is the key. Sometimes God provides someone or something to make us aware that if we keep heading in that direction, there will be greater trouble. This is what He did when He brought the unknown prophet to Israel. And then, it was furthered by Gideon because of his obedience.

If there will be just ONE person to stand for truth and to be obedient to the Lord, it can change an entire nation. However, I do not believe it will happen until there is true repentance among the people. 2 Chronicles 7:14 says, "If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land." That's all it takes. 

8.16.11

"Maturity means maintaining continuity with the past in the presence of growth and change." I found this statement in Elisabeth Elliot's book, These Strange Ashes. She goes on to say that "it is a painful process. I strove consciously to embrace change instantly and completely, to be satisfied with the unfamiliar." Interesting...to mature means that you do not let go of the past, but at the same time you move forward and embrace change. As humans, we are constantly changing: our minds grow as we learn new things, our opinions and tastes change, our bodies are constantly changing, etc. etc.

So, after reading these words from a woman I respect and admire, I have taken into consideration the changes I have experienced not only in going to Cambodia, but also in returning home. I guess you could say that I have been holding myself back from maturation (unintentionally.) I have been holding on to everything from Cambodia without wanting to fully engage myself here. It's a gradual process, but it dawned on me that I am not allowing the Lord to teach me new things here. Because there was such a major change that took place in my life and heart in Cambodia, I have been holding onto it and have neglected to really seek growth since being back.

I also realized tonight that I have been anxious about so many things lately and have not really sought the Lord about all of it. Yes, I've prayed. In fact, I've prayed a LOT...but am still waiting on answers. I felt like He told me tonight that I have to be desperate. I haven't gotten to the point of desperation. Yes, I desperately need answers, but I haven't been desperately seeking Him. To seek means "to search for; to make an attempt; to aim at." As I was realizing all of this, lyrics to a song came to mind: "The more I seek you, the more I find you. The more I find you, the more I love you." If we seek Him in desperation, we will surely find Him and fall more in love with Him. Another song that I listened to tonight says, "Everything I ever wanted I found in you." This is so true. It's been true in my life. Things that I thought I wanted, I eventually found in Him. He knows what we need. He's waiting on us to desperately seek Him out so that we can find Him and hear from Him.

I believe that when He is sought out and is found, the answers will come. It is then that we will continually be desperate because we have made a habit of seeking Him. And as these things take place, we will find change and growth in our lives and consequently, maturation.


"Guide me, O Thou Great Jehovah,
Pilgrim through this barren land,
I am week, but Thou art mighty,
Hold me with Thy powerful hand."
[from the Keswick Hymnal also quoted by Elisabeth Elliot]

8.15.11

I keep thinking that I am forgetting everything and everyone from my ten weeks overseas because I have not been able to think about it constantly. There are so many things going on right now that take up my time. Because of that, I have felt really bad...like I have forgotten all of it. I pulled out my computer and began looking at some of the pictures, which only brought tears to my eyes. There is no way that I could forget. I miss those people so much. I still feel like I left a part of my heart in that country.

I guess the reality is that I have to go about with things in my life here. I can't just stay inside and mope around all the time. Classes start in a little over a week, I'll go back to work, and life will have to go on the same as it always has---but I don't have to be the same. I am slowly realizing that although I have changed as a result of my time spent abroad, I can enjoy life here and now. If I don't, I will be miserable and it won't please the Lord. So the plan is to just trust the Lord and make sure that I never forget what I saw and experienced this summer.

I arrived back home last night from a trip to North Carolina to visit my grandma. While we were there, we wanted to do some fun, vacationy things instead of just staying in her small town. Things didn't go exactly how we planned, though. We found that my grandma has not been doing well on her own. We began to notice a change in her last November and came to the conclusion that she was getting dementia. That was confirmed when she stayed with us this spring for about a month. Her short-term memory was really starting to go...to the point that she would ask me the same question multiple times in a day (or for several days.) This time, we discovered that it got even worse and was beginning to look like early stages of Alzheimer's. We knew from the moment we arrived that she would have to go back home with us. Because of this, we spent the week packing things and cleaning her house. It was quite a chore! We did get to go to the beach twice which was nice...but that was the extent of "vacation." Yesterday, my mom drove the van with Gram, and I drove our car with Tiffany. It was my first time driving 13 hours.......and I was pretty exhausted when we got home. 

This week, Gram is staying at my aunt's house in Knoxville. I talked to her for a while today and she seems to be doing okay. She really had a hard time with the whole situation because she would forget everything we told her shortly after we did. I can't imagine what it must feel like to get bad news over and over and over again. I don't know a whole lot about Alzheimer's, but I plan to read about it in the days to come. It breaks my heart to see my "Gram Cracker" like this, but I am so glad that we are going to be taking care of her. My mom and I spent the day cleaning out the guest room and moving Gram's clothes and stuff in to make it her own. :)

It's been a rough week, but I feel like I've been learning a lot. I've learned more about how to deal with these difficult situations, patience, and trying to understand from a different point of view. I'm beginning to realize that God will never stop teaching me things. It feels like I constantly have trials facing me, but I am learning that through those, I always find His faithfulness and provision. 

Time for bed. I've been going to bed and waking up early. This is new compared to what I was doing for the weeks following my arrival in the USA (usually going to bed past 3 and waking up at 1.) Jet lag has FINALLY worn off, so now that I've developed a schedule, I'm going to stick with it! I will also save some time each night to pray for people in Cambodia individually. I've made a list of people to pray for each day of the week. I found that trying to get 30+ people in each night is unsuccessful. I guess it's kind of like counting sheep.....

zzzZzzzZZZZzzzzzz

Encouragement to a weary soul

Romans 8:28
As I sat in my room crying and praying that God would give me some direction in the days to come, I was reminded of what this popular Scripture in Romans says: "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose." Wow! It doesn't matter how many times I've read this (or preached on it), it becomes more real to me each time. I have been crying out to God because I am desperate for Him to show up in my life. I need direction and answers to questions I have been asking a lot recently.

The fact is, I am still struggling with being home. I want to be in Cambodia more than anything. I have never missed anyone or anything as much as I miss those people. My heart breaks just thinking about having to return to life as it was 12 weeks ago. Thinking about going back to everything that is "normal" nauseates me.

My questions to the Lord remain: Is going to Cambodia next year a real possibility? Do I need to start raising money? What ministries do You want me to be involved in this year? Do I need to take things out of my schedule to get involved in more ministry and to work more? (and to throw this one in for kicks) Why is EVERYONE in a relationship, engaged, or getting married right now when I seem to be as far away from that as ever? I guess I just feel like my life hasn't really even started. I want so badly to be out of school, in full-time ministry, and "settling down." I know my life is in His hands and "everything will work together for my good." I do. I know those things, but it doesn't matter how many times I tell myself that...I can't convince my heart.

Tonight was really good. Through all of my teary prayers, the Lord encouraged me not only through Romans 8, but also Jeremiah 31:25 "For I will satisfy the weary soul, and every languishing soul I will replenish." I know He will provide answers. He will do great and mighty things, even when I feel as though nothing is working out. He never ceases to show up at the right time. The only problem is that I tend to think that my time is the right time, when I am clearly wrong. Will I ever learn? :)

I have no idea why I am writing all of this on a public sight. I should probably be embarrassed to allow others to read these thoughts, but it helps to write it all down. I'm able to process and talk sense into my faulty mind.

Now, I must go to bed. I'll never get over jet lag if I keep staying up this late!

"The Call"

Tonight, as I've been working on a video of pictures and videos from Cambodia, I've found myself missing everyone there more than ever. This song has been one that I have listened to a lot since being back in the states. I just thought I would post the lyrics. 


The Call:
It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back when you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war
Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye 

Tears

The tears come and go.

Prior to Thursday, I was pretty much just staying at home where I was able to dwell on the fact that I am no longer in Cambodia...no longer with the people that I have come to love this summer. On Thursday, I began making arrangements to see people that I have avoided for the 10 days that I had been back only because I knew I would not be able to fake my excitement. Because of that, I had to wait to see people. Although I love everyone here very much, it is so difficult to actually fully BE here. I feel as though my heart is on the other side of the world. I realize that it's all a part of the "normal" process of returning to your home country, but that doesn't  discount the fact that it is so very hard.

On Thursday, I spent time with my dear friend, Tiffany. To my surprise, it made me feel so much better to be able to share some stories with someone who ASKED and LISTENED with interest. Many people ask about the trip, but just cannot relate. So for me to tell detailed stories from my 10 weeks abroad is uninteresting to them....and I understand that. I really do. That is probably why this is so difficult. No matter who I tell, they will never be able to fully understand because they haven't seen the things I have seen or experienced what I have experienced. Despite this, I had someone who cared enough to sit through all of my (probably immensely) boring details and for that, I am so thankful.

Following my time spent with Tiffany, I went up to Cleveland to see some friends graduate. Catie, one of my amazing teammates, graduated today. It was so good to see [most of] my team there. It almost felt like we were all together again in Cambodia. Almost. Have I mentioned that I love my team? Well, I do. I couldn't have asked for a better group of people to spend my summer ministering with. Emily, my wonderful roommate for those short 10 weeks, stayed with me at my apartment the last 2 nights and it was SO good to be able to be together again. I am so thankful to have her as a friend.

Now, all of these festivities are over and I am back home where I am no longer surrounded by friends. Sitting in my room alone only reminds me of where I want to be once again. Honestly, I was taken aback by my ability to enjoy myself the past few days. I was also sad because I thought maybe I was forgetting everything and moving on, in a way. Now that I am alone, everything came back: my sadness, homesickness, and brokenness...and to be quite honest, I am glad. I don't want to ever forget how I have felt since leaving Cambodia. I pray that the Lord will continually remind me and keep me broken. I know He will because I know how He changed me and that is something I could never forget.

So, I realize that life goes on and I really can enjoy it......even through the occasional tears.

A New Season

It's been one week since I returned home from my 10 weeks in Cambodia. I will be honest, this has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. I have never felt so out of place. It's amazing that I can come home and feel as though I don't belong and that my home is somewhere on the other side of the world. I realize that it sounds ridiculous, but it is truly how I feel. In this time overseas, I have gained so many brothers and sisters in Christ. I keep telling people that I have never felt more love and acceptance than I did from the people there. It's cliche to say, but I think I really did leave a portion of my heart in Siem Reap.

Although it has been difficult, I thank God that He has opened my eyes to so much this summer. I have now seen a part of the world that I was completely oblivious to 11 weeks ago. In this world, there are children and adults alike digging through trash to find pieces of plastic in order to make a small amount of money so they can have food to eat, people are completely cut off and rejected by their families because of their faith in Jesus Christ, and children are neglected by their parents and left to fend for themselves which oftentimes leads them into human trafficking. While I was there, I experienced love from children who have seen nothing but hate and rejection until they were rescued and brought to an orphanage where they found the love of Jesus. I experienced church services in a village under a grass hut where the Lord moved in mighty ways and believe it or not, we experienced Him without cool lights, a sound system, and well...even a building! That's probably hard for many American Christians to believe.

Now, after all of that...I come back to life in a country where greed is growing more rapidly than ever, where shorts that have the same amount of fabric as underwear are accepted and even encouraged, and where living for Christ has no price at all...except of course the amounts of money spent on our church buildings. It's hard to acclimate back into this culture. Not only have I missed my friends in Cambodia, I have also been in a state of culture shock for the past week to the point of not wanting to leave the house at all. I know it will take time and the Lord will teach me through all of this, but for now, I am just having to deal with things slowly. Very slowly.

School starts back on August 24 and there are many big decisions that I have to make by that time. I have been seeking the Lord about what He wants me to do this semester as far as ministry involvement and work. I am going to try my hardest to raise money this year so I can go back to Cambodia (unless God has another place in mind.) I graduate from Lee in May and after that, I want to spend my summer (or longer) working for the Lord in this type of setting again. It's all up to the Lord. I won't act on anything until I hear from Him...and I'm not quite sure how long that will take. I am moving into a season of trusting and waiting on God and HIS will. I am reminded of what Isaiah 55:8-9 says: "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." My plans can never come close to measuring up to His, so I must wait on what He wills.