What have I done?

December 18, 2011

I'm only 21 years old and I feel as though I have done nothing with my life. Yes, I graduated high school at 17, have been involved in a variety of different ministries, traveled to 9 countries, and am finishing up my 4 years of college on May 4th. I have experienced so much and have been blessed with more than I could account for. Still, there is something that arises inside of me that overwhelms me with the thought that I have done so little for the Lord. Don't get me wrong, I have seen the Lord at work in and through me. I have witnessed miracles of healing and deliverance before my eyes. I have seen the power of the Lord fall in services in incredible ways. I have handed out food and other necessities as well as teaching Bible and English to children in the villages of Cambodia. 

What I feel is very hard to describe. When I returned home from my 10 week adventure in Cambodia, I struggled...a lot (as you can read in my previous blog posts.) As the weeks passed, it became easier. I was no longer staying in my room, constantly looking at pictures and wishing I was with the people I had come to love so much. I never thought I would acclimate back to life in America, but I did. [I hate that!] I think I got carried away in the past 5 months and have gotten entirely too comfortable. I've been shopping (like my old shopaholic self) and spending entirely too much on eating out (mostly because I detest cooking for myself in order to only have to clean it all up afterwards.) It seems ridiculous and so simple, but I feel like it has separated me from the Lord in a sense. Trust me, I know there is nothing wrong with shopping and eating out...but I feel like I have been irresponsible in it this semester. As I was lying in bed 3 nights ago, I heard the still, small voice of the Lord tell me that I have been repressing my feelings. I have filled a void with other things- the things that once were a major part of who I was here in this wealthy country. I have gotten too carried away with the comforts of life here.

I do not think it was by chance that I am currently reading Kisses From Katie, a book written by a girl just a year older than I am. Katie Davis, the author, decided that after graduation, she wanted to go to Uganda for a year. Throughout her time there, she quickly learned that it was the Lord's will for her to start an NGO and to possibly stay there long term. In this process, she was faced with the opportunity to find a home for 3 orphaned sisters. It turned out that God would make a way for Katie, this 19 year old, to adopt these girls-- and several more-- until now, she is the mother of 14. Did I mention that she is only ONE year older than I am!? Yeah, I've got nothin' on this girl.

I'm still in the first half of the book and all I have been able to think about since I started it was Mongolia. Since March 2010, I have known that somehow I would be connected to this far away country. Ever since I received this specific call from the Lord, I have learned that there are many orphans who are living on the streets-- or rather, under the streets because it is so bitterly cold that they go underground to warm themselves by the hot water pipes. These dirt tunnels underground are filled with trash and rodents. When I first heard this, I immediately thought that maybe the Lord could use me to rescue some of these kids and give them a home.

In reading this book and the story of this young girl doing something so great, it has brought back all of the things that I have researched and pondered on in the past 2 1/2 years. Reading Katie's story makes me realize that it is actually possible for ME, a average girl from Tennessee, to step out and do something so simple, yet great for the Lord. I have no idea how, when, or if this will ever happen, but I'm willing if the Lord so chooses to use me in this. It's just so hard because there are certain things that I am confident the Lord has called me to, but there are still so many missing pieces. 

That leaves me with the title of my blog: Trusting and Waiting. Trusting that He will provide answers and a means to achieve what HE wills. Waiting on His perfect timing.