The tears come and go.
Prior to Thursday, I was pretty much just staying at home where I was able to dwell on the fact that I am no longer in Cambodia...no longer with the people that I have come to love this summer. On Thursday, I began making arrangements to see people that I have avoided for the 10 days that I had been back only because I knew I would not be able to fake my excitement. Because of that, I had to wait to see people. Although I love everyone here very much, it is so difficult to actually fully BE here. I feel as though my heart is on the other side of the world. I realize that it's all a part of the "normal" process of returning to your home country, but that doesn't discount the fact that it is so very hard.
On Thursday, I spent time with my dear friend, Tiffany. To my surprise, it made me feel so much better to be able to share some stories with someone who ASKED and LISTENED with interest. Many people ask about the trip, but just cannot relate. So for me to tell detailed stories from my 10 weeks abroad is uninteresting to them....and I understand that. I really do. That is probably why this is so difficult. No matter who I tell, they will never be able to fully understand because they haven't seen the things I have seen or experienced what I have experienced. Despite this, I had someone who cared enough to sit through all of my (probably immensely) boring details and for that, I am so thankful.
Following my time spent with Tiffany, I went up to Cleveland to see some friends graduate. Catie, one of my amazing teammates, graduated today. It was so good to see [most of] my team there. It almost felt like we were all together again in Cambodia. Almost. Have I mentioned that I love my team? Well, I do. I couldn't have asked for a better group of people to spend my summer ministering with. Emily, my wonderful roommate for those short 10 weeks, stayed with me at my apartment the last 2 nights and it was SO good to be able to be together again. I am so thankful to have her as a friend.
Now, all of these festivities are over and I am back home where I am no longer surrounded by friends. Sitting in my room alone only reminds me of where I want to be once again. Honestly, I was taken aback by my ability to enjoy myself the past few days. I was also sad because I thought maybe I was forgetting everything and moving on, in a way. Now that I am alone, everything came back: my sadness, homesickness, and brokenness...and to be quite honest, I am glad. I don't want to ever forget how I have felt since leaving Cambodia. I pray that the Lord will continually remind me and keep me broken. I know He will because I know how He changed me and that is something I could never forget.
So, I realize that life goes on and I really can enjoy it......even through the occasional tears.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
A New Season
It's been one week since I returned home from my 10 weeks in Cambodia. I will be honest, this has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. I have never felt so out of place. It's amazing that I can come home and feel as though I don't belong and that my home is somewhere on the other side of the world. I realize that it sounds ridiculous, but it is truly how I feel. In this time overseas, I have gained so many brothers and sisters in Christ. I keep telling people that I have never felt more love and acceptance than I did from the people there. It's cliche to say, but I think I really did leave a portion of my heart in Siem Reap.
Although it has been difficult, I thank God that He has opened my eyes to so much this summer. I have now seen a part of the world that I was completely oblivious to 11 weeks ago. In this world, there are children and adults alike digging through trash to find pieces of plastic in order to make a small amount of money so they can have food to eat, people are completely cut off and rejected by their families because of their faith in Jesus Christ, and children are neglected by their parents and left to fend for themselves which oftentimes leads them into human trafficking. While I was there, I experienced love from children who have seen nothing but hate and rejection until they were rescued and brought to an orphanage where they found the love of Jesus. I experienced church services in a village under a grass hut where the Lord moved in mighty ways and believe it or not, we experienced Him without cool lights, a sound system, and well...even a building! That's probably hard for many American Christians to believe.
Now, after all of that...I come back to life in a country where greed is growing more rapidly than ever, where shorts that have the same amount of fabric as underwear are accepted and even encouraged, and where living for Christ has no price at all...except of course the amounts of money spent on our church buildings. It's hard to acclimate back into this culture. Not only have I missed my friends in Cambodia, I have also been in a state of culture shock for the past week to the point of not wanting to leave the house at all. I know it will take time and the Lord will teach me through all of this, but for now, I am just having to deal with things slowly. Very slowly.
School starts back on August 24 and there are many big decisions that I have to make by that time. I have been seeking the Lord about what He wants me to do this semester as far as ministry involvement and work. I am going to try my hardest to raise money this year so I can go back to Cambodia (unless God has another place in mind.) I graduate from Lee in May and after that, I want to spend my summer (or longer) working for the Lord in this type of setting again. It's all up to the Lord. I won't act on anything until I hear from Him...and I'm not quite sure how long that will take. I am moving into a season of trusting and waiting on God and HIS will. I am reminded of what Isaiah 55:8-9 says: "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." My plans can never come close to measuring up to His, so I must wait on what He wills.
Although it has been difficult, I thank God that He has opened my eyes to so much this summer. I have now seen a part of the world that I was completely oblivious to 11 weeks ago. In this world, there are children and adults alike digging through trash to find pieces of plastic in order to make a small amount of money so they can have food to eat, people are completely cut off and rejected by their families because of their faith in Jesus Christ, and children are neglected by their parents and left to fend for themselves which oftentimes leads them into human trafficking. While I was there, I experienced love from children who have seen nothing but hate and rejection until they were rescued and brought to an orphanage where they found the love of Jesus. I experienced church services in a village under a grass hut where the Lord moved in mighty ways and believe it or not, we experienced Him without cool lights, a sound system, and well...even a building! That's probably hard for many American Christians to believe.
Now, after all of that...I come back to life in a country where greed is growing more rapidly than ever, where shorts that have the same amount of fabric as underwear are accepted and even encouraged, and where living for Christ has no price at all...except of course the amounts of money spent on our church buildings. It's hard to acclimate back into this culture. Not only have I missed my friends in Cambodia, I have also been in a state of culture shock for the past week to the point of not wanting to leave the house at all. I know it will take time and the Lord will teach me through all of this, but for now, I am just having to deal with things slowly. Very slowly.
School starts back on August 24 and there are many big decisions that I have to make by that time. I have been seeking the Lord about what He wants me to do this semester as far as ministry involvement and work. I am going to try my hardest to raise money this year so I can go back to Cambodia (unless God has another place in mind.) I graduate from Lee in May and after that, I want to spend my summer (or longer) working for the Lord in this type of setting again. It's all up to the Lord. I won't act on anything until I hear from Him...and I'm not quite sure how long that will take. I am moving into a season of trusting and waiting on God and HIS will. I am reminded of what Isaiah 55:8-9 says: "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." My plans can never come close to measuring up to His, so I must wait on what He wills.
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